Letter to Bela
by passiveInferno
Summary: Toris writes Belarus a letter she might or might not find one day. This is his letter.


_One day, you might see this letter and ask yourself why. I don't know, though. Perhaps you won't ask. Perhaps you will just laugh, and throw this piece of paper away. I bet even then, you will sound as wonderful as you always have. __Did you know that I always loved hearing you laugh? I wish you would have laughed more often. _

_If you read this, Natalya, know that I was completely honest every time I told you I love you. I can call you Natalya now, right? Your brother always insisted on making me call you Miss Belarus, because I was a servant. It felt so strange, having to be so polite. I immediately got used to it, though – I hoped you would respect me a little if I did my share of work and more to be a good servant, because that was all I could be under his rule. _

_I always wondered why you overlooked me so. I was hoping you would warm up to me. As I write this, I still hope so. Though, if you're reading this, I don't know if I'm still around. Most likely, you or someone else will have stumbled upon it after I'm gone. I'm not sure whether I will be gone because I have disappeared, been dissolved, become one with someone, or left. I doubt I will have left somewhere without taking me with you, though. And I don't know if I would like any of the other choices, either. Hopefully, I won't be gone for a long time. I want to spend as much time as possible with you. _

_Then again, getting you alone isn't easy. I've tried many times, but you seem to have a knack for slipping away from any situation like that. I probably shouldn't be bringing it up, but I wonder if you've subconsciously learnt it from your brother. Have you ever thought about it? Perhaps you would understand each other better if you thought more about your similarities. I don't know, though. Even though I know you're jealous of me for stealing his attention, I assure you, I would give that up any day for you. Even if I would lose any chance of ever getting you, I would gladly have him direct his attention to you instead, especially if it meant you would like me a little better for it. As long as you're happy, I can't really complain. _

_For a long time, I always wondered why you never wanted to go on a date with me. Then, one day, I switched over and began asking myself a different question – why did you agree to go on a date with me, that one time? I might as well mention, really, that no matter what your reason was, it made me happy. Even if just for one evening, I got to spend some time with you, without anyone else. Holding your hand was one of the best parts. It was as soft and tender as I had expected it to be. Your firm grip on my hand was incredible – you're a strong woman, you know. I admire it, a lot. _

_I remember when you were a bit more fragile. Do you? Back then, when you acted warmer towards me. It was before I was reduced to a humble servant of your brother, back when I was known as the Grand Duchy of Lithuania. I wonder if it would be more correct to say "when we were known as", because you were such a large part of it. I fondly remember that time. You were a great part of my life. Well, you still are, of course, but not on the maps anymore. I wish I could change that back. I would have loved to be with you again. _

_Why did you suddenly find yourself loving your brother more than you loved me? When the Grand Duchy fell, and I became a servant here instead, you had grown distant from me. I noticed at first when you first scolded me for calling you Natalya instead of Miss Belarus like Ivan had instructed. Why couldn't I call you by your name? Was it because your brother had told me not to, or because you didn't want me to be personal? I don't know. Maybe I'll never find out. Perhaps I would even be better off not knowing. _

_Sometimes, I catch myself thinking if you ever thought of me as someone you could like. After I became a servant, I mean. If so, you haven't shown it all that clearly, but I keep waiting, just in case. That's one of the reasons I look at you so often, you know? In case I catch you smiling back at me. It would be so nice if you cared about me. __If you ever do, I'd be delighted if you told me about it. _

_Ah... I'm not sure what more I should add, really. This letter is already starting to look long – and to think, I had only imagined it would be a small note. I suppose it's because it feels good to get all of this off my chest somehow. Eduard and Raivis already have enough problems, it would simply not be right to throw mine on them. Besides, I don't want them to know about all of this, either. My feelings for you aren't much of a secret, it's not that, but they don't need to know all the details. Even so, I like to think of you as my little secret. You probably think I'm strange for it, but that's okay. _

_If I were to write one letter to tell you everything that has been on my mind since I found you again, this would have to be it. I hope you don't accidentally burn it like you managed to with the others. That's okay, though, I know you didn't mean to. It's nothing you need to worry about; I can always write you more letters. I would write you a thousand letters if you asked. Then again, I haven't counted how many I've written this far. Perhaps I already have written you a thousand letters. Even so, this will probably be the last one from me you will find. _

_I wonder where I should put this letter to make sure you will find it, but still not find it until I'm not here. Most likely you will have found this in my room somewhere, because unfortunately enough, you never seem to want to come in. It's understandable, though; as a lowly servant, there isn't much reason for you to. No matter how much I would have wished for it. Yes, I'll admit it; I've always wanted you. However, I have loved you more than I have wanted you, so I never dared to act upon my wishes, seeing as you seemed much happier in your brother's presence than mine. Still, I always kept dreaming. _

_I wish you would see that I only wish for you to be happy. __It would probably be a lot easier if you actually let me show you it without trying to stop me. I don't know how I'd be able to do that, though. You're a challenge, you know! I know you play hard to get. Really hard to get. Still, that won't stop me from trying. If you ever see me give up on you, I will have given up on life itself. For all I know now, that could even be why you're reading this letter in the first placer. If I can never get you back, how could I possibly want to continue living for another thousand years? Waiting would be too painful. Still, I will continue waiting for as long as I can, hoping you will never have to read this letter, hoping I will never have to leave you. _

_Lastly, before I wrap this up, I just want to say that I'm sorry for everything I do wrong. I'm sorry for never being good enough. I'm sorry I can't be like your brother. I'm sorry I can't please you the way I want to, I'm sorry I never get to treat you like I would, I'm sorry for whatever reason you have to stay away from me like this. I'm sorry for having turned out so weak. I'm sorry I had to tell you all this in a letter and waste your time, because I'm sure you had a lot of other things to do today, whenever today is. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to protect you anymore. I'm sorry I ever lost you. _

_I love you, Natalya. Please don't forget that. _

_Yours forever, _

_Toris Lorinaitis, Lithuania, Lietuva, Lietuvos Respublikas – whichever you prefer, my lovely.  


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A/N: Congratulations on your exam, Hanna. This is dedicated to you for being the best Liet RPer ever.**


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